George Carlin quotes Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half…More George Carlin Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from…More George Carlin A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out…More George Carlin Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your…More George Carlin I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning…More George Carlin I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know…MoreGeorge Carlin You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it…MoreGeorge Carlin If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league…MoreGeorge Carlin Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to…MoreGeorge Carlin If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe…MoreGeorge Carlin No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it…MoreGeorge Carlin The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime…MoreGeorge Carlin The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one…MoreGeorge Carlin Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed…MoreGeorge Carlin Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible…MoreGeorge Carlin Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark…MoreGeorge Carlin If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor…MoreGeorge Carlin If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you…MoreGeorge Carlin You know the good part about all those executions in…MoreGeorge Carlin Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just…MoreGeorge Carlin As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no…MoreGeorge Carlin If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can…MoreGeorge Carlin The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American…MoreGeorge Carlin I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat…MoreGeorge Carlin I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed…MoreGeorge Carlin If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat…MoreGeorge Carlin You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick…MoreGeorge Carlin By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth…MoreGeorge Carlin Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot…MoreGeorge Carlin Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do…MoreGeorge Carlin I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow…MoreGeorge Carlin I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where…MoreGeorge Carlin When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When…MoreGeorge Carlin Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying…MoreGeorge Carlin I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any…MoreGeorge Carlin I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol…MoreGeorge Carlin So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and…MoreGeorge Carlin Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason…MoreGeorge Carlin Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud…MoreGeorge Carlin I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I…MoreGeorge Carlin Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a…MoreGeorge Carlin Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than…MoreGeorge Carlin God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile…MoreGeorge Carlin I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade…MoreGeorge Carlin One great thing about getting old is that you can get out…MoreGeorge Carlin If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she…MoreGeorge Carlin What year did Jesus think it was…MoreGeorge Carlin George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of…MoreGeorge Carlin Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested…MoreGeorge Carlin In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem…MoreGeorge Carlin Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you…MoreGeorge Carlin “One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one…MoreGeorge Carlin No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been…MoreGeorge Carlin Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die…MoreGeorge Carlin The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only…MoreGeorge Carlin The future will soon be a thing of the past…MoreGeorge Carlin The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments…MoreGeorge Carlin Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey…MoreGeorge Carlin The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the…MoreGeorge Carlin I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian…MoreGeorge Carlin Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes…MoreGeorge Carlin “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title…MoreGeorge Carlin Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself…MoreGeorge Carlin And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message…MoreGeorge Carlin Atheism is a non-prophet organization…MoreGeorge Carlin Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually…MoreGeorge Carlin Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more…MoreGeorge Carlin I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and…MoreGeorge Carlin Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere…MoreGeorge Carlin The reason they call it the American Dream is because you…MoreGeorge Carlin If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays…MoreGeorge Carlin “Meow” means “woof” in cat…MoreGeorge Carlin Most people with low self-esteem have earned it…MoreGeorge Carlin Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get…MoreGeorge Carlin “No comment” is a comment…MoreGeorge Carlin If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling…MoreGeorge Carlin Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because…MoreGeorge Carlin So far, this is the oldest I’ve been…MoreGeorge Carlin Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints…MoreGeorge Carlin When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a…MoreGeorge Carlin The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for…MoreGeorge Carlin I think I am, therefore, I am. I think…MoreGeorge Carlin If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it…MoreGeorge Carlin Hooray for most things…MoreGeorge Carlin Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to…MoreGeorge Carlin I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear…MoreGeorge Carlin What was the best thing before sliced bread…MoreGeorge Carlin May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your…MoreGeorge Carlin Life is a zero sum game…MoreGeorge Carlin Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer…MoreGeorge Carlin I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as…MoreGeorge Carlin It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the…MoreGeorge Carlin It's only fair to share...Facebook0TwitterGoogle+0Tumblr0Pinterest0email
