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George Carlin quotes


Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half…More
George Carlin
 
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from…More
George Carlin
 
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out…More
George Carlin
 
Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your…More
George Carlin
 
I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning…More
George Carlin
 
I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know…More
George Carlin
 
You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it…More
George Carlin
 
If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league…More
George Carlin
 
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to…More
George Carlin
 
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe…More
George Carlin
 
No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it…More
George Carlin
 
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime…More
George Carlin
 
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one…More
George Carlin
 
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed…More
George Carlin
 
Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible…More
George Carlin
 
Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark…More
George Carlin
 
If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor…More
George Carlin
 
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you…More
George Carlin
 
You know the good part about all those executions in…More
George Carlin
 
Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just…More
George Carlin
 
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no…More
George Carlin
 
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can…More
George Carlin
 
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American…More
George Carlin
 
I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat…More
George Carlin
 
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed…More
George Carlin
 
If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat…More
George Carlin
 
You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick…More
George Carlin
 
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth…More
George Carlin
 
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot…More
George Carlin
 
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do…More
George Carlin
 
I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow…More
George Carlin
 
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where…More
George Carlin
 
When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When…More
George Carlin
 
Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying…More
George Carlin
 
I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any…More
George Carlin
 
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol…More
George Carlin
 
So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and…More
George Carlin
 
Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason…More
George Carlin
 
Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud…More
George Carlin
 
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I…More
George Carlin
 
Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a…More
George Carlin
 
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than…More
George Carlin
 
God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile…More
George Carlin
 
I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade…More
George Carlin
 
One great thing about getting old is that you can get out…More
George Carlin
 
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she…More
George Carlin
 
What year did Jesus think it was…More
George Carlin
 
George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of…More
George Carlin
 
Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested…More
George Carlin
 
In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem…More
George Carlin
 
Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you…More
George Carlin
 
“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one…More
George Carlin
 
No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been…More
George Carlin
 
Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die…More
George Carlin
 
The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only…More
George Carlin
 
The future will soon be a thing of the past…More
George Carlin
 
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments…More
George Carlin
 
Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey…More
George Carlin
 
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the…More
George Carlin
 
I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian…More
George Carlin
 
Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes…More
George Carlin
 
“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title…More
George Carlin
 
Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself…More
George Carlin
 
And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message…More
George Carlin
 
Atheism is a non-prophet organization…More
George Carlin
 
Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually…More
George Carlin
 
Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more…More
George Carlin
 
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and…More
George Carlin
 
Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere…More
George Carlin
 
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you…More
George Carlin
 
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays…More
George Carlin
 
“Meow” means “woof” in cat…More
George Carlin
 
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it…More
George Carlin
 
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get…More
George Carlin
 
“No comment” is a comment…More
George Carlin
 
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling…More
George Carlin
 
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because…More
George Carlin
 
So far, this is the oldest I’ve been…More
George Carlin
 
Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints…More
George Carlin
 
When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a…More
George Carlin
 
The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for…More
George Carlin
 
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think…More
George Carlin
 
If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it…More
George Carlin
 
Hooray for most things…More
George Carlin
 
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to…More
George Carlin
 
I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear…More
George Carlin
 
What was the best thing before sliced bread…More
George Carlin
 
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your…More
George Carlin
 
Life is a zero sum game…More
George Carlin
 
Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer…More
George Carlin
 
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as…More
George Carlin
 
It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the…More
George Carlin
 
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